Things I didn't know

I didn't know that the other day in a baby care room at IKEA would be the last time I would nurse my Little Man. He is just a few weeks shy of hitting 10 months and I knew it was only a matter of time. I just didn't think it would just happen. I thought I'd be prepared for it, I thought I'd savor the moment more. Instead, I sat there snuggling my son, trying to keep him warm and me covered up because it was cold in there and we had no idea how to get warm water for his bottle that I'd brought. Ten minutes that's all it was. From the moment I hit the chair to walking out to meet The Hubs in the hallway and continue shopping. I didn't realize until two days later it was our last nursing session. 

I should be greatful I nursed him as long as I did. We had to introduce formula around 6 months ( a devastating moment for me because I couldn't keep up with work) and I was certain that was it. I was pissed because I felt like a failure, like a bad mom for not going the whole year. He was happy, I was happy, healthy and everything. And then it all went down hill. I could no longer take the time I needed at work for pump breaks, the fridge in my office sucked and my milk started spoiling, and Ben stopped drinking the bottles because they tasted funny. If he nursed strait from me he was fine, but the pumped stuff just wasn't staying anymore. We had to start formula.

Truth is, I knew deep in my heart I'd never make it to a year. I wanted too, I now understand why some moms manage to nurse until 15-16 months, but I never would. Shortly after returning to work, I found out that I would be deploying shortly before my son's 1st birthday. I knew that we'd have to wean him well before then. The fact that I was able to keep nursing him, eve if it was only part time is a blessing. Something some Moms don't even get to do. Many of my friends and family members never make it past six months. I just didn't think it would affect me as much as it did. 

As a working mom I needed the nursing sessions as much, if not more than my son. I was lucky enough to be able to nurse on my lunch break in the early months. Those short visits during the day to see my son at daycare were crutial to my sanity  going back to work. It was in that small room that I sat the day I found out I was deploying. I sat there holding my son and just cried. Little Man of course just wanted to cuddle and fell asleep in my arms. It was everything I could do not to fall into a giant weepy blob on the floor. 

I've deployed before, but this time is different. Any mother who has to leave her child for any period of time knows why. I can't even think about it without tearing up. I'm already an emotional person, this just makes it worse. It literally pisses me off to no end that there is nothing I can do about it. I tried to pretend that it wouldn't happen, that something would come up and then magically I wouldn't have to go. But here I am, a few weeks out, and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. 

My son is ready, though he doesn't know it yet. He no longer needs me for nourishment, or to rock him to sleep (though I'm sure he'd still rather have me there). He's not giving his dad a hard time about naps or bottles anymore (for the most part). He's growing up, and he'll keep growing and there will be a period time where I won't be there to see it in person and that kills me. 

I know in the long run it's only a short amount of time. I know that he's so little now he won't remember the time when I was gone for a few months. I also know that it'll go by fast (at lead to hope so). But that doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't change how mad I am, how jealous I am of stay at home mommies, and mommies who don't have to deploy, and mommies who get to raise their babies the way they want to without the military throwing kinks in the plan. 

I didn't know I would feel this way before I had my son. I didn't know just how profoundly my world would change and how my priorities would shift. I didn't know I'd be separated from him for months. I didn't know I'd miss his first birthday. I didn't know that this experience would make me want to quit my job after everything I've done to get where I am. I didn't know that my dream would change from being the mom who thought she could do it at work and home, to the mom who just wanted to watch her kid grow and be a part of it for more than four or five hours a day.  I didn't know that two days ago I'd be nursing my little guy for the last time...and I didn't know that two days that thought would make cry on my lunch break. 

Life Gets the Best of Us

Lets face it, mommy is a horrible blogger. We've got a lot going on in the last few months and it's only fair I give you a quick run down of what's been going on: 

August: Aunt K and Cuz finally got to meet Little Man! We took them to the Aquarium which has become one of Little Man's favorite places. We also started eating solids! First food on the block: Sweet potatoes and the kid has been eating ever since!                    

September: Little Man learned how to sit up! Albeit with a little help from Mom and Dad! He also got to go to the beach down in Florida for the first time! Likes the beach, but much like his mother, not a fan of the open ocean! Dad hopes he gets over that when he takes Little Man fishin! 

October: Little Man begins scooting and then crawling shortly afterwards. In addition to that , he also starts pulling up on stuff (oh no!). In accordance with Mom and Dad's nerdy tendancies, he gets dressed up a Robin ( they didn't have Batman in his size) for Halloween, but makes a killing in candy! 

November: Mom and Dad make the decision to move from off base to on, which proved to be as awesome as we'd hoped it would be. Dad becomes the super mover and in a period of two weeks we move most of our stuff into the new house in time for Little Man's first Thanksgiving! He is now eating regular food (in bite size pieces) and LOVES turkey and gravy. 

December: ummm duh! First Christmas! Mom and Dad go all out with lights and decorations, though little man's favorite thing to do is chase the cats under the tree and try to eat the light bulbs when Mom isn't looking. First Christmas was a little marred by the great stomache bug of 2013, which knocked out Little Man on paths 23rd and put Mommy in the ER on Christmas Eve. Luckily we had a great caretaker in Daddy and Santa was able to make it on time! We also got to see SNOW for the first time ever! 

Annnnd that brings us to January!

Little Man is now truly a little Man, though not quite walking yet, he's got the balance and leg strength to do it, he's just got to learn to let go of our fingers when he goes! I give it a couple more weeks and he'll be doing it! Right now his favorite things include his "Stuffy" (little stuffed Dragon from DocMcStuffins), banging on anything that makes a sound (to include the dog...oh yeah we got a dog), and eating anything that Mommy has in her hands! We also took a quick trip to Universal Studios with Unkie C and Aunt T and visited all of family in GA, not to mention a couple more snow days and a could more to come! 

I'll try to be better at this blogging thing. I'm about to have some time on my hands so it shouldn't be too hard! More to come! 

Mommy Snuggles

"Don't hold him too much, he'll never learn how to be independent" 

I'm a huge advocate of letting my son learn how to be on his own. But sometimes a boy needs his mommy and sometimes a mommy needs her boy. Today was just one of those days. I'll take all the snuggles I can get :-)  

Take Me out to the ball game!

Took little man to his first baseball game the other day! He did really well until the 7th inning stretch. After a walk around the ballpark he fell asleep. he didn't miss anything- the Nats lost pretty hard to the Mets! 

Two Month Checkup!

Weighing in at a whopping 11.8lbs and measuring 24.4in long, little B isn't quite so little! His head measures in at 15in around! So big that the tech thought she measured wrong and had to do it twice ! 

Major accomplishments this month: 

Started Daycare- not a smooth transition, and we're still working at it

Has rolled over (albeit unintentionally) three or four times now. He's such a squirmer that when he wiggles during tummy time he flips himself onto his back ! 

Much to his parents delight, B had started smiling! Legit, happy to see you, smiles. It's the best way to start a day and the best way to end it :-) 

Mommy-mobile!

Bringing home Ben from the hospital was an awesome day! For starters, we honestly didn't think we'd get to leave until the next day. We were thrilled to come home a little early, if only to get even a few minutes of sleep extra without a nurse coming in to check on me or Ben! 

Once we'd been discharged and were loading up the car in the parking garage I took my traditional mommy seat in the back next to the carseat with Ben. It was then, in that moment that our Focus suddenly became A LOT smaller. Sitting in the backseat I suddenly realized just how little space there was. And we didn't even have all of the stuff in there!

A few days later as Alex loaded up the stroller for our checkup the car got even smaller. The stroller took up the entire trunk of the car. I know, I know "he's not going to be in it forever" but we're planning more kids in the future, at some point there would be two kids, in carseats, and the need for a double stroller possibly. And all that wasn't going to fit in the back of the Focus! 

So we started researching and online shopping and finally last night we went to a dealer to "look." Needless to say we stopped looking and started buying once we'd found the right one, and although I didn't really want a red car, this gal was too good to pass up! 

            2013 Ford Edge :-) 

The plans I didn't keep...

I get six weeks of maternity leave and I had all these plans about what I would do with all the non work time I'd have. I'd read the books I have on my iPad, I'd straiten up the house, finish Ben's room ( or organize it), start researching for my final masters class. 

So far I've done none of the above. I have however become quite good at putting on makeup one handed and making coffee while nursing a ten pound munchkin. I've caught the first twenty minutes of "Live with Kelly and Michael" almost every morning and got suckered in to watching "Pitbulls and Parolees" so much that I'm now a devoted fan and am one episode away from adopting one if Tia's brood from Vialobos (they're  just misunderstood pups after all). I've changed God only knows how many diapers, sang every TV theme song I can think of to calm my son down (Community and Gilmore Girls are particular faves) and I've gone to a bunch of doctor appointments.

I do get to the grocery, I've gotten this kid to Mass every Sunday so far, and I don't feel as tired as I used too. My body is already getting me up before the baby does. 

I've learned that making plans now revolves around B, the cutest little guy in town, and I'm ok with that :-) 

        

Parenting 101- they'll let anyone do this!

So the day the hospital told us we would be going home was the day Alex and I realized we have basically no idea what we're doing. One night in the hospital with Ben in our room and basically one full day and the hospital peeps are like "you're good to go!"

What?! All of a sudden we go from being somewhat supervised to alone with a three day old. As we were walking out of the hospital I kept thinking "surely there's got to be something they're not telling us?!" I don't think it really set in until we got home that this was really happening. Even with our parents there, we were ultimately responsible for this little Gus whole world. He was completely helpless and needed us to give him food, and keep him warm, and clean and happy. And it was a little scary.

Things I learned in my first week of being a mom:

- I have a boy, therefore I must change diapers at lightning speed or I will get peed on. Or he will, or there will be pee on the carpet, or the cat.

- My son does not like being changed into or out of clothing or diapers.

- Ben makes the most adorable an yet kinda freaky noises when he sleeps.

- waking up a newborn to make them eat is hard

- Breastfeeding is really really hard. No matter how many classes you take, how many times the lactation consultant came to see you in the hospital, it will still take time, patience, and a few tears from both mom and baby.

- My husband became a Breastfeeding expert. Alex read up on everything he could to help me out, helping us get the right latch and positioning Ben and reminding me that we were both learning and it was going to be ok. He was absolutely amazing and supportive.

- I cannot, nor will I ever become as good at swaddling as that NICU nurse. However it wouldn't matter if I did because Ben is a Houdini with his arms and will always get them out. Even in those little swaddled baby straight jackets with the Velcro.

- I got pooped at (yes at, it came shooting out like a gun) and I didn't flinch. Laughed yes (which hurt like hell on my stitches) but went strait into "mommy mode" cleaning up the poopy butt before cleaning myself and the floor which he'd been on when he unloaded on me.

- It only takes a few days to get used to being a parent. We pretty much picked up on it right away, but it was all pretty surreal for a while. Even a few weeks later I can't believe sometimes this little guy is here.

- Baby snuggles are the best kind. Nothing compares to having your child snuggles up on your chest or in your arms.

- my entire life now revolves around this tiny piece of me and Alex that we brought into the world.

- I love my husband more now than ever after all that we've been thru in the last few weeks and seeing him become a dad. It's the most amazing thing ever.

- Being Ben's Mom and Dad is freaking awesome

That's all for now!

The Longest Walk

So in my last blog I left off with our beautiful boy on his way to the NICU. Shortly after Ben and Alex left, they closed me up and moved me into a recovery room. Our nurse (Kara) who'd been with us the whole time came in and explained to me that they were doing X-rays on Ben to see how much air had gotten outside his lungs and they would probably keep him overnight.

Alex came in to confirm this a little while later, along with bringing pictures for me to look at since I hadn't gotten to see him for very long. It would be nearly eight hours before I would get to hold him for the first time. My mom came in the recovery room to stay with me, while Alex went to explain everything to his parents who were waiting in our other room. Then he went back to the NICU.

I was moved back to my room on the recovery hall about two hours later. Kara explained to me that I would need to get up as soon as I felt able to (no problem there I had a baby to see) and I would need to do it twice before I could go down there. As soon as I felt my legs return to normal I was pushing the call button. By 6pm I was moving around my room, 6:30 I was doing laps back and forth between the bathroom and my bed. At 7:30 we asked the night nurse if we could go down to the NICU. She didn't want me to make that long of a walk without a wheel chair so the first trip down I had help from Alex.

The NICU is located on the complete opposite side of the labor and delivery floor. Thru a few doors and a check in room. Once we got down there we had to wash our hands thoroughly at this hand washing room before we could go in the room. Then Alex led me to where our little boy was. There really is nothing like seeing your child hooked up to a bunch of machines. Luckily for us, Ben was doing really well: they had taken him off the breathing device and were going to let me try and feed him since I was there.

I'll never forget the moment I got to hold my son for the first time. It's one of the best feelings in the world. I can't event begin to describe it. We stayed for about an hour or two but then we had to go back so I could get my medicine and a few other things taken care of. Throughout the night we would go back every couple of hours to attempt to breastfeed Ben and spend some time snuggling. Every time I had to walk away from him broke my heart. I would have just slept in that room if they'd have let me.

Ben was doing really well by early morning, and after walking back and forth down the hallway all night so was I. I was still in pain, but it was manageable, and I was finally allowed to start eating food again! Around 9am on Monday morning the NICU nurse told us there was a really good chance that Ben would be coming back to our room for the rest of our stay! Alex and I were ecstatic! We couldn't wait to have our little man in the same room with us.

By lunchtime little Ben was wheeled into our room free from all the monitors and tubes! To say we were all excited was an understatement. Ben would spend
the rest of the afternoon being passed from grandparent to grandparent and having his picture taken what seems like a billion times. It was the best Monday Alex and I had had in ages :-)

Labor Pains

So as many of you know by now, Alex and I welcomed our beautiful baby boy Ben into the world last Sunday! It was a whirlwind of a week for our family leading up to his arrival. As I stated in my last entry, we were scheduled for an induction on April 5th. We were blessed to have my mom and Alex's parents with us when we went to get checked into labor and delivery that night. Little did we know that we would be spending the next four days at Walter Reed but by Sunday morning we would have our little boy!

To make a long complicated labor short, we started with medication that got my contractions started, however there was very little progress as far as dilation. Around midnight they tried inserting a foley bulb, a painful experience that failed the first attempt. A few hours later the doc would come in to try again. I'm not sure if anyone has ever had this procedure before, but it hurts. Especially when you're having contractions. It was awful, so awful I was in tears and squeezing Alex's hand so hard I'm pretty sure he got a hairline fracture. Once they got it in the contractions started becoming stronger and more frequent but not at all regular. That was my breaking point. The best piece if advice I got going into this birthing thing was if you plan on getting the epidural at all get it early. Boy were they right! Props to anyone who goes thru labor without any medication, I on the other hand know where my limits are.

The foley bulb did its job, I was dilated to three centimeters by 9am and as an extra bonus my water broke without any docs! However, with my water broken Ben and I were now on a timeline. 24 hrs to get into active labor (4cm or more) or else we were headed for the O.R table. Saturday was spent increasing the pitocin drip and constantly checking to see if I'd progressed further than the 3cm I'd been at since 9am. No dice. On top of that, my contractions were getting stronger, but still not regularly spaced out and Ben was starting not to handle them well. Every so often his heart rate would drop with the contractions and I would have to go on an oxygen mask and flip on my side. You want to see something funny, it's a nurse and my husband trying to flip me and my epidural legs over from side to side! LOL!

Throughout the night it would be the same routine: flip on one side, put on the mask, up pitocin, lower pitocin, check my cervix, no change. At 6am the docs started prepping us for what was most likely going to happen on Sunday morning. If at 9am there was still no change we would have to have a c-section. Many people go into labor prepared for only one outcome, a normal delivery. I however am one of those people who like to mentally prepare for the unlikely and then be pleasantly surprised when it goes one way or another. By the time 9am rolled around I was ready for the c-section Alex and I knew was coming.

Sure enough, 9am came, there was no change and our nurse (who by the way was freaking awesome) started prepping me for surgery. By 10:30 I was being rolled into the OR and in a few minutes Alex was there with me. The rest of it all seems like a blur to me now. There was a lot of pressure, and movement on the other side of the panel. You can't feel pain during a c-section but you can still feel some stuff, it's a weird feeling.

At 10:55am I heard the first little whimpers of my son, and then we heard him crying. Well screaming is more like it. The doc said he was one of the loudest babies he'd ever heard. Alex went over to cut the cord and then got to hold him, that was when the nurse noticed that Ben was making a grunting noise. They put him back on the table and the pediatrician checked his lungs. Then the nurse came around the corner to tell me that they were taking Ben to the NICU to check him out and Alex was going with him.

Apparently when he came out, Ben screamed so loud that he got air outside his lungs and it was making it hard for him to expand one of them all the way. I would get to see him for about thirty seconds before he was rushed off to the NICU. . But Alex was with him and that's all that mattered.

To be continued...

Eviction Day is Coming!

This week has been crazy busy for the Early's! We've been getting ready to have our families in town this weekend for the Easter weekend and somewhat patiently awaiting the arrival of lil Ben! We had our first "false alarm" on Wednesday night too! I was having contractions that started getting closer and closer together. So close that they fit the criteria for me to call Labor and Delivery. They had me come in just to get checked out but ended up releasing us since I wasn't dilating anymore than at my last check up. So home we went, and after a good nights rest my contractions went back to being irregular !

We had our 39 week checkup this morning and since I'm on a bunch of meds they decided to schedule me for an induction on the 5th! So unless this little guy decides to make an earlier appearance, we'll be having a baby next weekend!

Wiggles, Due Dates, and SNOW

So I'm a little past 38wks preggers and I'm already tired of it. Who am I kidding I was tired of it weeks ago and I've still (at a min) got at least one more week til my due date. I had a check up this past Friday ad good news is I was showing SOME progression in the dialate/effacing (for all you non-mommies that's a good thing) which as my sister lovingly told me "we'll that's further than I ever was!" My giant baby has found that his favorite place to hang out is bouncing his ginormous noggin off my cervix which causes this mommy to keel over wherever she might be standing or sitting.

Right now munchkin is in the midst of what I like to refer as his mid morning freak out. He has run out of space and thus must stretch and jab and kick and wiggle just to make sure there is no possible inch that hasn't been taken up by baby. It's usually not bad until he throws an elbow or knee (I don't really know its just pointy) in my side, which much like the head bumps to the cervix also cause me to stop what I'm doing and talk to me stomach in a stern voice "what are you doing in there?!"

Oh! And icing on the cake- the other pregnant lady in my shop who is due two days before me went into labor yesterday. So needless to say, Baby Daddy and I had Chipotle for lunch, a big bunch of pineapple for dessert, and I'm downing raspberry leaf tea like its going out of style!

Oh! AND it SNOWED yesterday ?! WTF March?!

Baby Watch!

We're a little more than two weeks out from D Day and now we're on baby watch! I have appointments weekly until I hit 40 weeks and then I think if I haven't delivered this kid by then Ill have check ups every couple of days. I'm feeling pretty good, I've been having more and more practice contractions. They don't hurt, most of the time they don't even really feel like anything other than my stomach's bunching up. When they start hurting is probably when I'll pay more attention to them :-) however the women in my family (my mom and sister) are notorious for not realizing they're in labor soooo we'll be paying close attention in the coming weeks!

Here's an updated belly picture! Me and the bump from this past Sunday. Not a huge change, just expanding as munchkin slowly runs out of space! I think he's starting to notice!

36 Weeks- Battle for Belly Room!

Today we hit one of our last markers- the start of month number NINE! I have officially been switched from the Lovenox shots twice a day to Heparin shots three times a day (yuck!). I have a pic of my beautiful stretch marked and polka dot belly but I'll spare you the details! The doc told me and Alex at our last appointment that basically from here out if I got into labor they're not going to do anything to stop it! Eeek! We're cramming to get the last of our baby prepping done, but I've caught myself a cold so I'm basically out for the count today. My awesome husband however is rocking at Daddy prepping, cleaning around the house and taking care of his really round and stuffy nosed wife :-) Baby Ben is running out of room and is not afraid to let his mom know it! The contortions that my stomach makes are freaky and yet very cool at the same time. Sometimes however, it goes from being cute to being flat out painful! He got me so good the other day I almost keeled over! Can't wait til I watch his little ninja moves in person!

Dual Use Monitor

We had to take Guinness to the vet today. Poor guy had a urinary blockage/infection and had to get a catheter put in. So until he goes back on Monday morning (the vet is closed on Sundays) we are on Guinness watch for the next day or so. In order to keep him from peeing all over the house he's been contained to the upstairs bathroom and we're making use of our new baby monitor! It's working so far! Lol

L&D Tour!

Today Alex and I went for a tour of the Labor and Delivery floor at Walter Reed. We are truly blessed to be able to have our little munchkin there! They definitely try to make the process as smooth as they can for expectant and new parents.

After our tour we battled traffic on the beltway before deciding to stop a mall and do a little shopping! My favorite buy of the day? This cute tiny Boo the Pom we found at the Hallmark store! And yes, we stopped for Five Guys for some burgers too!

Yup! There's a baby in there!

It's been about two weeks since I posted a belly picture and my how things have changed! Or rather grown! Baby Ben is running out of space slowly but surely and he's not shy about letting mom know! We have an appointment next Friday so we'll post an update then for sure unless things get crazy between now and then!

The Turkey Button

So while sitting on the couch the other night I commented about how I was surprised that I hadn't really developed the outty belly button that most pregnant ladies have by now. My husband, without missing a beat, said "Well that's cause he's not done cooking yet! Doesn't the button pop out when he's done?" :-)

As proof of my lack of a turkey button I include the following picture. We gave my belly a face... No reason... Just cause :-)

32 Weeks!

Today we hit 32 weeks preggers! It's officially the start of the 8th month, and now the game is on. Last night a friend of my sister went into labor at 35 weeks, and I had the "oh crap that could be us soon" moment! Like, I was up three times last night and only two of them were because I either had to pee or Ben was wiggling so much he woke me up. The rest of the time I was thinking "we have so much left to do!"


Needless to say, this morning after stopping for coffee and bagels at our favorite place we began assembling a list of things we've either still got to get, do, or pack! But first we went to Target and I bought these awesome Avengers shoes for when Ben gets here! He can't wear them til he's like three (maybe earlier if he gets his momma's big feet) but how cool are they!?

9 Weeks and Counting!

I know I've been slacking with my blog posts, but in all honesty there really isn't a lot going on right now! And that's a good thing! We had an appointment last week at 31 weeks ( that's a little over 7.5 mo for my 9 mo only measurers) and everything looks good! Well sounds good at least! We didn't get another ultrasound :( but I got to hear baby Ben's awesome heartbeat and the doc measured my belly which I guess is how they note if everything is well within where it should be.

Ben's movements have gotten a little less erratic and ninja like and more like a little baby who's running out of room in there! I'm constantly getting feet, elbows, knees etc all over the place. He's also prone to hiccups about twice a day which is adorable. Unless its at 4am and I have to get up in a few hours lol then it's less cute. Aside from the back aches and just pure exhaustion that comes from growing a human being, things are going well!

Alex and I are finishing up the nursery slowly but surely. Granted the kid is going to live in our room the first couple months anyways, so the nursery is really just a cutely decorated storage room right now. As far as stuff, I think if Ben showed up early we'd be ready . Mentally? That's a whole other story :-) in less than two months there'll be a tiny person solely dependent on Alex and I for everything. That's a lot of pressure lol! But at least we know how to use the Baby Bjorne!